Frustrations, desperation, and Hope???

This past weekend has been crazy. I thought about building a boat, twice! I yelled at my congregation during Sunday Morning worship. I seriously considered giving up on ever knowing God's will for my life, and yet here I am today typing out this confession still not understanding just what it is that I am supposed to be doing.
My wife, Melissa, has always been let down by those she loves when she finally gives in and believes that something good will happen. I have tried so hard not to dotted to her like the rest of her family, but I know that I have failed her many times. Even so, I have always tried to be the optimistic one of our family, but this weekend has really shaken that reality.
I know that God always has our best in mind.
And, I know that He will never lead us astray.
And, I know that His ways are not our ways (and most of the time I am happy about that).
BUT... This weekend I found myself struggling to know just what to do or to say. Did God allow me to build up my own fantasy just so that He could smash it???
OR... Did He lead me down this path so that I could see that even he likes a practical joke every once in a while.
OR... Did He really mean to give me the best by smashing not only my heart and dreams, but my wife's as well?!? I just do not understand! I have allows tried so hard to follow His guiding and He has pulled us through so very frustrating things, but He has never build something up so much that I knew it was his will and then yanked the rug right out from underneath my spiritual feet like He did this weekend.

ALL I KNOW TO DO IS TO TRY TO HOLD BACK THE TEARS, THROW MY ARMS UP IN THE AIR, AND SAY GOD I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT UNDERSTAND, but if this is YOUR WILL well...

then...

FINE!
I do not understand and right now I don't want to understand. Just do Your thing and I will follow. I know you will not lead me wrong even if I don't understand or cannot see your will, just get me over this hurt...

I just don't get it!

I cannot help but see that the Christian life is one in which we His disciples are supposted to do everything we can to be AS Christ was. I don't see how people can resolve themselves to think that their sin struggles will not get any better and that they WILL NOT see perfection in this life. Maybe, I am wrong. Maybe, we don't have the same Spirit inside us that Christ had. Maybe, he never intended for us to taste victory in this life. Maybe, it's okay to just allow yourself to think that everything is okay, I'm trying as hard as I can and I'm not going to get any better at this anyway.

Maybe...

But I Do Not Think So. Am I wrong?!?

The Wonders of God

I realize that I have not posted in quite some time; it is partly because I have been very busy, partly because I have been very frustrated, and partly because I have been very confused. I DO NOT LIKE BEING WISHY-WASHY, which is what I feel like I have been over the last week or so. What was going on finally came to light when Craig said that he felt that he was at the end of his stretching period and was begining to revert back (Craig you always seem to articulate so well what is going on in my life when I often do not even understand that it is happening). I am begining to see that I need more of God, but not just the God that I was brought up to know and understand. I need more of the FULLNESS of God. I need more of His Spirit, I need more of His Wisdom, I need more of His Life, and yes, I NEED more of his scriptures. I need ALL of Him, every aspect of Him. I am tired of walking around just looking like I know where, what, and who I am. I NEED to KNOW that I am His. It's time to stop wandering around and finally enter . . .